Learn About Controlling Emotions*
Have you ever experienced situations where you wished that you were controlling emotions rather than be controlled by it?
Like when you lost your temper over a misunderstanding? Or getting upset over little things. Or becoming all tense and nervous when close to an attractive member of the opposite sex?
First off understand that emotions are there for us and serves us well. Emotions make our life more interesting and colorful. You don’t want to be without any emotion. That is not the goal here.
What we want is to acknowledge that emotions have a very important place in our lives. However just like anything else, too much of one thing makes it unhealthy.
Sometimes it is good to let emotions take control over us and guide our actions and decisions. Other times, it is better that we are the ones controlling emotions.
When dealing with emotions, don’t ignore it, avoid it, dismiss it, and especially don't suppress the emotions. Instead, we acknowledge its existence, and take note of what it is trying to tell us (the message), and move along by responding to the message in an objective manner.
Note : If you are suffering from emotional problems, please note that health problems such as sclerosis, hormonal imbalances etc may cause emotional instability. As such, in addition to trying out the tips contained in this website, you should also pay a visit to a M.D to check if the problems you are facing are actually due to medical imbalances or deficiencies.
This is how we do it……controlling emotions
Whenever you feel a surge of emotions coming over you,
immediately break your state. Disassociate yourself. Then become a 3rd party observing what is happening. Like watching a movie, or playing a computer game where you are controlling the character in the game. What is happening isn’t really affecting you, but rather the character you are playing in the game.
First… break the pattern & disassociate
The key is to break your pattern immediately, then go right into disassociating mode. One split second is all it takes for us to get sucked into the emotion. Emotion builds on momentum. The more you let it dwell, the stronger it gets. The more time you give it, the wilder it gets.
Break the state by saying or doing something that is totally bizarre and unexpected. The more bizarre the better. Make it so weird that it jolts even yourself. That your brain doesn’t know what to make of it. It sounds funny but it’s true. This is the first step in controlling emotions.
By doing this your brain goes ‘Whoa what is that? What just happened there? I have no idea. That was weird. Now what was it I was feeling a moment ago?’ Make it so bizarre that you brain loses track of what it was feeling for a while.
Doing this drains the initial power out of the emotion. You got the first attack and winded the emotion. Now what you need is to keep up the attack while you have this advantage and not let it get back into the fight. Quickly deliver the next few blows and knock it out.
And believe me that the emotion ain’t giving up yet. A short while after breaking your state, the emotion will try to come back into play at least once or twice. Be strong and stick to your game. Stick with the process and do another state break if needed.
There will be an urge to give in and let it take over. Think of it as swimming against the direction of the current in a river. Initially it is easier to give in and go with the flow. Just keep pushing. Once you start to get some momentum, it becomes easier and easier. After a while the current disappears and you will start to feel neutral about it.
Next, get curious
Ok got it? Now you are able to break the state and allow yourself to be a disassociated
3rd party observing what is happening. Next, neutrally just observe what is happening to you and what are the emotions you are feeling. Do this by asking these questions;
‘Hmmm….What is going on here?’ ‘Now I wonder what just happened?’
‘What is this character(you) feeling? 'Hmmm…What are his emotions now?’
Do this in a very objective and curious manner. Don’t make it personal, observe yourself from afar. Be curious and really wonder what is going through him/her right now. A tip would be to use a questioning or curious tone in your intonation when asking those questions. This helps a lot in taking the energy and focus out of the emotion and replacing it with a genuine curiosity to know more.
Then identify the real issue and what you want
After you observed what is going on and having identified what emotion the character is feeling, proceed to get curious about why is he feeling that way and what does she want. You can ask questions such as;
‘Hmm… so why is he feeling that way?’ ‘What would she have to believe in order to feel that way?’
‘What does he want instead?’ ‘What would make her feel better?’
By doing this you will find the answer to why you are feeling that emotion. You will be clear on why you feel that way, and what you would want instead. Observing it objectively will give you a clear answer. When you are blinded by emotions, you will not be able to identify what the problem is.
Controlling emotions final step : What would you do about it
The final step is deciding how to respond & what action to take.
‘Now that I have figured what’s going on and why is it happening, what should I do about this?’
‘What can I do that will help give me what I want instead?’
‘How can I communicate this better to others?’ (When the source of the problem is poor communication)
‘What is the best way to respond to this?’
All the efforts of the prior steps comes down to this outcome, the manner in which we respond. We want to control our emotions so that we can respond to something in our usual competent manner. By disassociating and controlling emotions, it helps you come up with a good objective response, and also the calmness and objectivity to carry out that solution well too.
No matter how you answer those questions, be rest assured that the solutions that you come up with will be objective. Because you were not driven by your emotion. You have assessed the situation in a clear mind.
So here it is in a nutshell, a step by step process of controlling emotions in any situation.
1. When something happens and brings a surge of unwanted emotion to you, immediately do something bizarre and break your state. Get the first attack. Be an unrelated observer of the scene and keep yourself in that disassociated state.
2. Watch what is happening from a 3rd party observer perspective and get curious about what is going on. What happened? What are you feeling?
3. Continue to probe further while still being disassociated and observing from afar. Why is she feeling that? What does she want instead?
4. Finally objectively come up with a response or solution to what happened.
Final thoughts….
Many people feel that controlling emotions is a very difficult thing to do. In fact, it is just a matter of habit. The more you do it, the better you are at it. Perhaps for the first dozen times you would find it hard to consciously guide yourself through controlling the emotion rather than just giving in to it. But the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Before you know it, it will become a habit. You can’t help but be objective whenever you are swamped by emotions. Controlling emotions becomes natural.
Don’t take life too seriously. Life is too short for us to act serious all the time. Have a ball & when something bad happens, just laugh it off. After all it is happening to the game character, not you. Have fun!
Self Improvement Mentor is not just about sharing tips for increasing productivity or becoming smarter. Rather the information here approaches self improvement through total alignment and integration of the whole being to support the outcome. True lasting success can only exist when the soul, mind, body and emotions are aligned.
*http://www.self-improvement-mentor.com/controlling-emotions.html
Dealing With Negative Emotions*
One of the great challenges in life many people face is dealing with negative emotions. Though some may not realize it, a person’s ability or inability to deal with negative emotions has a very large impact on the quality of the lives they lead.
The source of the problem with negative emotions is in two folds.
1. The labeling of emotions
2. The illusion of no-control
Dealing with negative emotions : Labeling of emotions
People usually consciously or unconsciously choose to label emotions either as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ – and from that labeling, they have a bunch of emotions that they identified as either to be indulged in or to be avoided at all costs.
Though the pain & discomfort we get from certain emotions may make it seem like some emotions are indeed ‘bad’ emotions, but by examining deeper, we can see that it is not true. For example, lazing around all day and just having fun gives you pleasurable emotions. However, does that mean that it should be sustained in the long term? Of course not. You’ll definitely feel good about it now, but do you want to remain that way throughout your life? Do you want to be stagnant forever? You won’t be improving yourself, achieving greater heights and contributing to the world if you are only concerned with sustaining this ‘good’ emotion.
Similarly, the emotions of frustration and disappointment from failures are what spurred many individuals to go on to achieve great things. So, the bottom line? There are no good or bad emotions. Don’t even label emotions as every emotion has it’s own value and usefulness.
Dealing with negative emotions : Illusion of no-control
The second part of the problem is from the idea that it is impossible for us to control our emotions. It is the belief that emotions come to us spontaneously and in reaction to the environment and happenings around. While that may be true, we can certainly control our responses to these emotions. Because that is ultimately what we are concerned with. We don’t really care about what emotions we feel, but rather how the emotions affect us.
So while something that happened may have caused you to feel angry, that doesn’t mean that you have to react in an angry way. You don’t have to retaliate or cry or bang your head on the wall just because you feel angry. You can choose to respond in a positive, empowering manner. Sadly, sometimes people act as if there isn’t any other choice. They ‘have’ to react to it. Once the emotion comes over them they just ‘lose it’. Now that is not the right way of dealing with negative emotions.
Deal with negative emotions by knowing that instead of losing it every time, we can choose how we want to respond to any emotion. Though it can seem very difficult when the emotion is very strong and pervasive, having the knowledge and techniques on dealing with negative emotions will make it easier and easier.
And, one of the core aspects of dealing with negative emotions is to not put any labels on it.
Dealing with negative emotions : The usual not-so-smart way
Everyone of us has a choice on how they want to deal with negative emotions. Sadly, many people choose to handle negative emotions by way of either avoidance or denial. By labeling emotions (as good or bad) first, then believing that they have no control over it, to them it feels like there are no other options in dealing with negative emotions apart from avoidance and denial.
As the pain from negative emotions can be quite overwhelming at times, many choose to avoid it altogether. They do this by steering away from any action or situation that could lead to having negative emotions. For example, in order to avoid disappointment, it is best not to try at all.
Now when things and ‘bad’ emotions become unavoidable, people take the route of denial instead. This is done with the hope that by ignoring and putting aside the emotion, it will eventually go away. Not a good idea. In fact, it is even more dangerous as though you may be able to bury your emotions for now, it will eventually re-surface over time. And when that happens, all the energy from the pent up emotions over the years will usually be released together in a destructive manner.
Though people usually avoid or deny negative emotions, there are those in the other extreme as well. Some people derive importance and significance from having to face negative emotions constantly. So much so that it has become a part of their identity. They feel as living a tough life dealing with difficulties daily makes them somewhat more important and significant than others. This type of thinking is much worse than avoiding and denying emotions.
Dealing with negative emotions : The new smart way
The effective way of dealing with negative emotions is by understanding the message of the emotion and making use of it to drive you further ahead.
First, understand that your emotions serve you. Then, learn to use your emotions rather than be controlled by it. Each emotion whether seemingly good or bad, tells us an important message of our current situation. How are we currently doing and whether changes or further action needs to be taken.
Take those negative emotions as a guide and a system to call you to take action. By avoiding or denying it, you are missing the valuable messages that your emotions are giving you. Emotions = Calls to action.
The steps for dealing with negative emotions
Firstly, whenever you feel a surge of negative emotions coming over you, quickly interrupt it. Do it by thinking/saying/doing something totally bizarre and unexpected. This shocks our system so much that the emotion loses its initial power. For a more detailed explanation, check out the steps for controlling emotions.
Next identify the negative emotion you are feeling and match your emotion to the list below. Make out how the message of that emotion fits to your situation & what are the appropriate follow up actions on your part.
Note that for emotions that are very intense such as panic attacks, a different approach on how to stop panic attacks would be more suitable and effective.
List of ‘negative’ emotions & the meanings
Fear : It is the expectancy that something bad is about to happen. The message of this emotion is for us to prepare for it. Take action and think of the best ways to deal with the situation. After you’ve prepared as well as you can, sit back and have faith. If there is nothing else you can do, there’s no point in worrying about it.
Hurt : People feel hurt when they believe we have suffered a loss. It tells them that an expectation that they had was not met. Such as when you expected someone to do something but they didn’t. To deal with it, first evaluate your perception. Maybe there hasn’t been any loss. Maybe no one is actually trying to hurt you. Are you judging the situation too soon? You may have just misinterpreted the situation.
If your perception is correct, properly communicate with the person involved about your sense of loss. When you do that, usually the feelings of hurt will disappear.
Frustration : When you are frustrated it means you feel that you are not getting the returns for your efforts, and you feel that you could be doing better than you currently are. This tells you that you should be more flexible in your approach. Brainstorm other approaches or get input from others. Know that frustration means your problem is within reach. Rather than get upset over it, take heart from the fact that you are close to your goal.
Disappointment : Disappointment is the feeling you get when you sense that you have lost out on something forever. When what you got is less than what you had expected, you feel disappointed. First, take the positives from this disappointment. Nothing is all bad. Know that you are guided & protected by the higher power. Everything happens for a reason, so trust that what happened is the best option in the ultimate long term plan of your life.
Follow that up by setting a new goal that is even better and more exciting for your life. Disappointment is also a call to develop more patience and flexibility in approach. Realize that perhaps what you need is to wait a little longer, and develop a different approach to achieve the goal.
Anger and guilt : Every one of us has our own set of values and standards. These standards govern every part of our lives. These are the behaviors/actions that we set as acceptable or not for ourselves and others. When one of the standards is violated by yourself or someone else, you will feel angry (at the other person or at yourself) and/or guilty (of yourself).
To deal with anger, you have a few choices ;
1. Evaluate whether it is possible that you misinterpreted the situation. That in fact no value has been violated.
2. If someone else violated your value, know that your ‘rule’ may not be the correct one. Just because something is right for you, does not mean it is right for everyone else. Everyone has their own set of values; the person probably has no idea that they violated one of your values. Follow up by communicating to the person neutrally about the importance of that standard to you. This will ensure that it never happens again.
3. Accept that you have violated one of your values, and vow never to do it again. Brainstorm ways to prevent it from happening again, and how you would deal with it if you are caught in the same situation in the future.
Final thoughts…
With these knowledge and steps, you can master whatever emotion is thrown at you. You are no longer at the mercy of emotions, rather you are in control of it. When dealing with negative emotions, practice handling it this way. Just like a muscle, the more you exercise, the bigger it grows.
The more you do it, the easier it gets. Before you know it, you’ll be naturally reacting to any ‘negative’ emotions in an empowering way. And when you realize that, you’ll be filled with a great feeling and confidence to face anything life throws at you. You become virtually unstoppable.
*http://www.self-improvement-mentor.com/dealing-with-negative-emotions.html
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