Dieting and the Unfairness Issue
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The unfairness issue crops up often among chronic dieters. “It’s unfair that everyone gets to eat whatever they want [and only I have to limit myself].” Aside from being erroneous, this sabotaging thought is unhelpful because it leads dieters to feel resentful and deprived and makes it more likely that they will stray from their diet.
But another thought is equally damaging. It occurs when dieters find they either can’t achieve or maintain the amount of weight loss they want. Often they desire to be the same weight as their thinnest friend or family member or a celebrity whose appearance they admire. But few are able to reach this goal. Why? Because to do so they would have to eat in a way that they would be unable to keep up for life.
Even if they do get down to as low a weight as they wish, they rarely stay there because they are unable to sustain such a low calorie level. And as soon as they raise their calorie level, they start to gain weight back.
Their sabotaging thought? “It’s so unfair that I can’t be as thin as I want.” This idea brings them significant emotional pain. Often they are preoccupied by a sense of unfairness. Instead of being proud that they were able to lose and maintain some weight loss, they feel a great injustice. “I worked so hard and I have to continue to work just to stay at this weight [which is unsatisfactory to me.]” How sad that they feel so negatively, when to lose weight at all is such an accomplishment.
I often say to them, “Yes, you’re right. It IS unfair…. But it seems to me like the GREATEST unfairness is for you to suffer for even ONE more day because of this terribly painful idea that you have that you have to be thinner–an idea that makes you obsess, that makes you unhappy with yourself, that creates a negative frame of mind, that doesn’t give you peace with yourself….”
I often give them the following analogy. “It’s like someone who’s a good runner who says, ‘I HAVE to make it to the Olympics.’ He becomes obsessed with running, he’s unhappy with himself, he doesn’t have good peace of mind, and so on. Maybe he’s a good guy and doesn’t deserve to suffer–but he does suffer because he has the realistic expectation that he should be able to make it to the Olympics. And on top of it, instead of accepting the fact that he just isn’t built to be a world class runner, he’s preoccupied with the idea that it’s unfair–which makes him feel deprived and a little bitter and puts a negative edge on much of his day-to-day experience.”
Of course, there is lots more we talk about in terms of fairness. (For example, by and large, many dieters have unfairly positive lives compared to many other people in the world.) But this initial discussion, which implies that dieters have some over their suffering, via their thinking, is an important start.
5 Ways to Gain Weight When You Don’t Want To
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How often have you noticed that formerly normal weight people have gradually gained weight throughout the years? Or dieters who have lost a significant amount of weight and then gained it back quickly? Should people even try to lose weight at all? The answer is yes, if they are already having weight-related health problems or
if they are putting on extra weight every year and so are likely to have health problems in the future. On the other hand, studies that have examined how much weight people are able to lose and how much they are able to keep off long term are fairly dismal. Most people gain weight back. Here is a sure fire formula for gaining weight:
1. Lose weight quickly.
2. Go back to your old way of eating when you lose weight.
3. Continue to eat and exercise exactly as you have been as you get older.
4. Eat in the way “everyone else” is.
5. Make excuses for why it’s okay to eat when you shouldn’t.
Each of these items is explained below.
1. Lose weight quickly: One of the best ways to gain weight quickly is to drastically cut your calories. Research shows that the faster people lose weight, the faster they tend to regain it.
2. Go back to your old way of eating when you lose weight: It’s plain biology. If you lose weight on 1200 calories a day, for example, and then your weight plateaus, you will start to gain weight back once you go up to 1300 calories a day. That’s the equivalent of one good sized apple or four crackers. And if you return to eating 2,000 or 3,000 calories, as perhaps you did before, of course your weight will increase.
3. Continue to eat and exercise exactly as you have been as you get older: It seems unfair, but it’s true. Metabolism tends to decrease with age. If you don’t start eating less and/or exercising more, you’ll gain weight. Now it’s reasonable to gain a little weight, especially if you’re eating in a healthy way, but those pounds can really add up as the decades go by.
4. Eat in the same way you assume everyone else is: It’s possible that you know the rare person who can consume a great number of calories a day and not gain weight. But it’s more likely that the people you know (especially if they’re over 40), are either restricting their eating in some way or are themselves gaining weight each year. In any case, it’s irrelevant. If you don’t want to gain weight, you’ll need to figure out what’s right for you to eat—which isn’t necessarily right for another person.
5. Make excuses for why it’s okay to eat when you shouldn’t: Your body processes calories in exactly the same way, regardless of circumstances. It doesn’t care if you’re stressed, tired, or celebrating; if it’s a special occasion; if no one is watching you eat; or if the food is free. It may be reasonable to plan in advance to eat a little more in some circumstances but understand that if you don’t compensate by exercising more or cutting an equivalent number of calories another time, you will gain weight.
It seems unfair. It’s so hard to lose weight and so easy to gain it back. But once you learn the cognitive (thinking) and behavioral skills you need, the process of losing and maintaining a weight loss (it’s the same process!) becomes much easier.
Are You a “Normal” Eater?
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People who have never been overweight and have not had significant issues with their weight eat, think, and behave differently from chronic dieters. If you’re a chronic dieter, do you have a tendency to:
1. “Graze,” i.e., eat a larger amount of food than you intended throughout part of the day, or binge-eat
2. Feel a lack of control over your eating
3. Try not to notice how much you’re eating
4. Eat until you feel uncomfortably full
5. Overeat and stop only when the food is gone
6. Eat alone (maybe in secret) because you’d be embarrassed by how much you’re eating
7. Obsess (think too much) about food throughout the day or evening
8. Feel depressed, guilty, or disgusted with yourself after overeating
9. Eat as a primary coping strategy when you’re upset
10. Eat when you’re bored
11. Significantly overvalue body shape and weight
12. Weigh yourself more than once a day
13. Become pre-occupied with how heavy your body feels or how tight your clothes are after meals or throughout the day
14. Plan ahead so you never have to be hungry
15. Avoid the scale when you think you have gained weight
16. Feel unable to control what you order to eat or what kind of food you buy
17. Make one “mistake” (i.e., “cheat”) and then eat with abandon
18. Feel helpless when you gain weight
19. Continually make exceptions to your eating rules20. Eat whenever you feel like it, regardless of your level of hunger
21. Try to fool yourself about the amount you consume or the consequences of your consumption
22. Skip meals to lose weight
23. Outlaw certain foods completely
These characteristics are generally not shared by “normal” eaters and they can make it difficult to lose weight—or to keep it off. You may be able to curb these tendencies for a period of time, especially if you’re highly motivated. But chances are you will revert to these behaviors at some point and regain weight—unless you learn a different way of thinking and eating that allows you to make permanent changes in your behavior.
Stress and Emotional Eating: Using Cognitive Behavior Therapy to Break the Habit
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Most of the dieters whom I treat overeat when they’re feeling stressed or experiencing a negative emotion such as anxiety, sadness, anger, shame, and so on. They often have one or both of the following unhelpful ideas:
“There’s nothing I can do to calm down when I’m upset.”
“I deserve to eat when I’m upset.”
As long as they hold beliefs like these, they will remain vulnerable to regaining the weight they have lost. They need to change their thinking. They need to learn how to accept and tolerate negative feelings and how to cope with stress in more healthy ways.
Katie, a dieter whom I saw last year, had been doing so well initially. Early on, she was highly motivated and was able to stay on track even when she was upset. When she became upset, she would tell herself, “NO CHOICE. It’s not time to eat. I CAN’T eat now.” She would turn her attention to something else, her negative feelings would slowly subside, and she’d feel proud that she had stuck to her plan.
But then Katie went through a particularly stressful period.
Her father was hospitalized. Her youngest child started having problems in school. She got a new supervisor at work who was making unreasonable demands on her. Katie continued to follow her eating plan throughout each day. But come 9 pm, when her children were in bed, the permission granting beliefs above led to Katie’s consuming “all the carbs I can get my hands on,” until she went to sleep. She quickly started regaining the 22 pounds she had lost. She was frustrated and angry at herself but couldn’t seem to stop.
First Katie and I did some problem-solving. As soon as she got her kids in bed, she would decompress by doing deep breathing and then she’d have a cup of herbal tea. Next we did some cognitive work. Following our discussion, Katie composed messages on index cards which she was to read each day after work, just before she walked in the house. She was to read them again as she was sipping her tea. This is what Katie’s cards said:
“If I want to lose weight permanently, I have to stop eating when I’m upset—e
very time. People without weight problems don’t eat when they’re upset. They either tolerate their negative emotions or try to solve the problem or call a friend or take a walk or go online or read a magazine or watch television. But they don’t eat.”
“Negative emotions are uncomfortable but not dangerous. I don’t have to “fix” them. I’ve had lots of times when I’ve felt very upset but I haven’t eaten. I’ve never exploded or lost control. The worst thing that will happen if I don’t eat is that my distress will peak and then the intensity of my emotions will go down. “
“If I eat, I’ll be temporarily distracted from my distress but whatever problem led to my distress in the first place will still be there and then I’ll also have the problem of feeling badly that I ate and I’ll really feel badly when I see that the scale has gone up.”
Katie also started back on Day 1 of the cognitive behavioral program for weight loss and maintenance so she could sharpen her skills of re-motivating herself, gaining confidence by giving herself credit, tolerating cravings, and getting back on track immediately when she made a mistake. The incidence of her eating for emotional reasons declined sharply. She slipped a few times but the challenge became easier and easier as time went on. The chance that Katie will be able to maintain her weight loss into the future has increased exponentially.
Jennifer’s Struggle
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Jennifer recently shared with me her struggle over whether to eat certain foods, particularly during evenings. Jennifer would finish dinner, and then, it was as if treats and desserts would start calling out to her from her refrigerator. She would engage in the classic struggle:
“Should I have that piece of cake? But it’s not on my plan. Oh, but it looks so good. But then I’ll be strengthening my giving-in muscle. But it’s just a little bit. It’s not about the calories it’s about the habit. But I’ve been good all day…” and so on, and so on.
I asked Jennifer if she ever engaged in this struggle when it came to healthier foods she should eat, food that was on her plan and was part of her diet. Jennifer answered, “no.” She only ever had this problem when it involved unplanned foods. Jennifer realized that although she was experiencing the “should I have this/shouldn’t I have this struggle” – the answer was clearly, every single time – NO, I shouldn’t have this! I then helped Jennifer reframe the question in her mind. Instead of asking herself if she should or shouldn’t have that food, she should ask herself the real question, which is “should I cheat on my diet OR shouldn’t I cheat on my diet?” And the answer to that question is obviously, “No, I shouldn’t cheat on my diet.” With this new mindset, Jennifer was able to stop the struggle in the evenings, because she knew that, absolutely, she did not want to cheat on her diet.
Inflexible Eating
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When I introduced the notion of following a food plan inflexibly to Robert, he initially experienced both anxiety and skepticism. Robert asked me why he couldn’t just make substitutions when he felt like it as long as the calorie count remained the same. Here’s what I told Robert:
It’s essential for you, and all dieters, to learn the skill of inflexible eating before you move on to flexible eating. By inflexible, I mean making a plan ahead of time (either the night before or that morning) for the coming day, and learning how to stick to it exactly, with no substitutions. Once you can do this, you’re ready to start flexible eating—making a plan and then sticking to it but making substitutions if/when you want to. And to start to calm your [very normal and expected!!] fears, I can tell you that really learning inflexible eating is one of your best insurance policies against regaining weight down the line. Once you become really get good at this (and of course it will take practice, but the more you practice
the better and better you’ll become), you won’t have to worry about regaining weight. If five, ten, or fifteen years from now you begin to see the scale creep up, all you’ll have to do is return to making your food plans ahead of time and sticking to them, and your weight should begin to drop. It’s SO important to learn this skill now—so that you can use it in the future and for the rest of your life.
Hearing this, Robert understood why it is important for him to learn the skill of inflexible eating. He was still nervous about trying and failing, but I told him that every one makes mistakes when learning new skills; it’s what makes us human! I expect Robert to make mistakes, but as long as he learns from his mistakes and keeps trying, he will eventually become good at this.
Amy’s Business Trip
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Amy came in this week feeling quite defeated. Although she had previously been doing quite well with making food plans and sticking to them, she had been on a business trip earlier this week and hadn’t been able to write down her food. She viewed the trip as a complete “failure,” which left her feeling demoralized and unmotivated. As soon as I heard this, I realized very quickly that Amy was probably catastrophizing the trip, and viewing it as much worse than it actually was. I asked Amy what she had done right on the trip, and initially she couldn’t think of anything. I then asked her if she had practiced any of her other skills during the trip. After thinking about it, Amy admitted that she was still very conscious of eating everything slowly, sitting down, and while enjoying every bite. Even though she ate at restaurants for every meal, Amy said that she always worked hard to make smart food decisions and never finished the whole portion she was served. She also consistently resisted the cookies and muffins that were served throughout the day as snacks, and she always chose fresh fruit for dessert instead. And because of all these things she was doing right, Amy didn’t gain a single pound on her trip.
It can be hard to believe that in light of all these things, Amy could have viewed this trip as a complete failure, but this happens often to dieters. They tend to focus only on the things they are doing wrong, or not as well, and completely discount all of the many, many things they are doing right. I asked Amy to take another, more objective look at her trip. When squarely faced with a list of all the things she deserved credit for, Amy was able to realize that the trip wasn’t a failure even a little bit – in fact, for the most part it was actually a huge success. Once she stopped catastrophizing and put the trip in perspective, Amy immediately felt better and even more confident about her ability to handle trips in the future.
Cindy’s Anxiety
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Cindy has been having some anxiety about the future. She successfully lost 43 pounds and has been maintaining that loss for over 8 months, but she still has negative thoughts and images that pop into her head from time to time. The most common one is that she sees her future self standing in front of the mirror, trying to zipper her jeans, and realizing that they have become too tight. She experiences a sickening realization that none of her clothes fit anymore. Her heart sinks as she steps on the scale and sees how much weight she has regained.
I discussed with Cindy the fact that this visual in her head of trying to zip her jeans is making things so much harder for her! I helped Cindy replace that visual with a much more realistic one. In this picture, her future self steps on the scale and notices that it has gained 3 or 4 pounds. But instead of experiencing that sickening feeling in her stomach, she immediately becomes problem-solving oriented. Cindy breaks out her diet notebook and her Beck Diet Solution book, reads her advantages of losing weight list, reads back to the times when she was doing inflexible eating, and sets up an eating plan for that very day. Because she has already firmly mastered the skill of following a plan inflexibly, it is not difficult for Cindy to put herself back in that mindset, especially because reading her advantages list has concretely reminded her why it’s worth it to do this. Within a week or two, Cindy already sees the scale going back down. This is completely realistic, and helped put Cindy’s mind at ease.
Photos:mylot.com, dcttbio.com, pureandhealthy.com, carltonassociatesinc.com
After this week, I loved that last part! Just can't spell it. haha :)
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