Pray It Off 8/26/10 Why Do We Care What Others Think?

Why Do We Care What Others Think?
Our Addiction To The Opinions of Others Explained* by Tom Ferry

What stops an unhappy woman from leaving her husband or lover? What prevents someone who is miserable in his job from making a switch? To what extent are those decisions inhibited by worry about what other people might think?

Ultimately it comes down to us looking for approval, and in some cases making sure we don't receive disapproval from others. The need for approval has been conditioned in us from the day we were born. Approval from others gives us a sense of higher self-esteem. We're convinced that their recognition matters to our self worth and how deeply we value ourselves.

When I faced the difficult decision to leave my family business I thought, "If I leave, who will I be?" A great deal of my adult self-image had been fostered and developed there. I worried what my wife would think if the money suddenly disappeared and I could no longer provide for our family in the same way. I worried what my friends would think if I had to sell our vacation home. And yet, with all of those questions, it wasn't until I asked one very important one that I realized what I needed to do: "Why would I continue to stay in a situation that was making me increasingly miserable?"

I soon realized the only solution was to do what was right for me, no matter the outcome. When I was able to let go of caring about what other people thought and make my decisions free and clear of other people's opinions, I could easily and powerfully move forward on my own terms.

There are two types of decision makers in the world. The first are internal decision makers. These are the people who self-analyze every step, every option, every possible outcome and never talk it through with others. This doesn't mean they don't care about others opinions. In fact, my experience is that it is quite the opposite. They've been burned so many times, they choose to make their decisions on their own as a way of avoiding being rejected.

The second is an external decision maker. These people constantly seek the opinions of others, asking for their approval in ways such as, "Do you like this idea?," "Am I right?," "Does this dress look nice on me?," "Are we in the right place?," "Am I doing the right thing" and "Are we okay?" They're thought of as team players because they want to get everyone involved in their process. They simply can't move forward without the validation from others.

Have you ever come up with an idea that you thought was brilliant?

You said to yourself, "No one else has ever thought of this" and you're going to make millions of dollars on it, right?

You tell your wife, best friend, boss and they say, "That's a terrible idea! No one will ever buy that."

Wham! You've been stopped cold before you ever had the chance to get your idea off the ground. What happened to the dream? It died on the table. Someone else's opinion meant more to you than your dream. You placed a higher value on their opinion than your brilliant idea. Imagine if the founders of Apple, Facebook and Google gave up the first time someone told them "no" or said, "no one will ever spend that much time connecting with friends on a computer!"

The addiction to the opinion of others affects areas of your life you may not even be aware of. For example, your decision to live in a particular neighborhood, drive a certain car, send your kid to private school, wearing designer labels, the watch around your wrist, the vacations you go on, the clubs you belong to, all of these things are tied to what someone else thinks.

The addiction to what other people think has another significant impact; it represses us, which in turn keeps us in a sort of purgatory, afraid of the consequences of pursuing the life we really want. "If I do this, they will say ____________ ... " You won't be happy because you believe that people are judging you. It becomes easier to stay miserable so everyone else in the status quo will be fine.

Since we are the stories we tell ourselves, they impact the way we behave. When we release from an old story, we let go of our self-imposed conversations and traps that keep us stuck. In the process, we become more sure of ourselves, become more expressive and are more likely to make decisions that move our life forward because we're no longer living from that story that has been holding us back.

Still not convinced you suffer from this addiction? Try wearing a tutu to your office tomorrow or trading in your sports car for a bus pass. Stop going to the gym, getting Botox injections, coloring your hair or getting manicures. Go home and tell your spouse you aren't happy. Walk into your boss's office and tell him/her you quit!

The only way to have complete freedom from this addiction is not to care about the outcome. It takes practice and courage to not place any level of importance on someone else's opinion. Remember, an opinion is not fact. It may not even be the truth. It is merely someone else's view about an issue that is based solely on personal judgment and therefore should not have any impact on your choices!

6 Sure Signs You Suffer from the Addiction to the Opinions of Others

1. You are Concerned about What Others Are Saying or think About You.
2. You Have Good Ideas and Intentions but Find Yourself Afraid to Act on Them.
3. You Over Leveraged Yourself Financially in the Last Decade with Cars, Clothes, Homes, Jewelry and More.
4. You Are Constantly Seeking Other People's Approval or Avoiding Their Disapproval
5. You're Afraid to Speak in Public
6. You're Afraid to Speak Your Mind

* http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tom-ferry/self-help-why-do-we-care_b_615063.html

How to Not Take Things Personally. Forbidding the Opinions of Others to Affect Your Self Worth* by Siobhan Keely

Perhaps one of the most difficult challenges along the path of achieving inner peace is truly believing in yourself and not taking the opinions of others personally.

When someone verbally diminishes your self worth or insults your being in some way, it is very difficult to let it go and not be hurt or offended. Humans are programmed to base their belief of who they are on what others say or feel about them.

Are You Really Stupid?

But imagine if someone called you stupid. Are you really stupid? Or is that just the speaker’s own anger, own opinion, based on nothing but his own assumptions and emotions at that particular moment? What if you could simply say, “I am not stupid” and walk away from the exchange of words unscathed? The person calling you stupid has his own issues that he is taking out on you, but in reality, it has nothing to do with you. There is nothing personal about the exchange. Don’t take it personally.

Believe in Yourself

If you have an idea for a business or book or invention and no one backs you up on it, does that mean you are dumb and lacking in talent? Not if you refuse to believe it. If children's writer J.K. Rowling believed the 12 book publishers who turned down the first Harry Potter book, she would not be not be the billionaire author that she is today. She refused to take the rejections personally and responded to the rejections by firmly believing Harry Potter was a fantastic book. Ms. Rowling continued to bring the manuscript to more publishers until someone agreed with her.

Taking it Personally Undermines Your Worth

In his inspiring book The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz describes taking things personally as the “ultimate act of selfishness” because when you take things personally, you assume everything is about you. This is an interesting philosophy, one that deserves deep consideration.

In his bestselling book The Power of Intention, Dr. Wayne Dyer says that when you allow the opinions of others to be more important than your opinions of yourself, you lose self respect. This is a valid statement. You deserve to believe you are valuable and worthy. Believing otherwise is disrespectful to yourself.

You Are in Control of Your Response

Not taking things personally is a fairly simple concept to understand, but very difficult to follow through on. Not allowing yourself to be insulted or hurt by another’s words or actions requires an enormous amount of inner strength.

You can begin by reminding yourself that you are not in control of what others say or do, but you are 100 percent in control of how you respond. When someone treats you harshly, remind yourself that you can choose how to react, then choose to react in a way that leaves you with dignity and self respect. Do not take it personally, and refuse to believe what has just been said about you.

Don't Rely on Others to Tell You Self Worth

The concept of not taking things personally is important in all aspects of life, not just when someone is treating you unkindly. Basing your self worth on the positive opinions of others is not healthy either, for you will always be looking for someone other than yourself to tell you are fabulous or talented or special.

Don’t take anything personally. Not what your mother says about you, your teacher,

your partner, your best friend. People’s opinions are just that – opinions. There is only truth in them if you believe there is truth. Believe that whatever harsh words are being thrown at you have nothing to do with you. They are all about the speaker and his or her own issues. You can't control what others say or do, but you can control what you say or do in your response. Nothing has to be personal.



*http://self-awareness.suite101.com/article.cfm/taking_it_personally
Photo: Numbers27.org