Why Is It So Hard to Change?* Steve Olson
Why is it so hard to change? To lose weight? To quit smoking? To get in shape? To change negative character traits? There are many reasons. And I don’t have all the answers, but I can share what I’ve learned over the last 39 years.
The biggest reason we fail to create the lives we want is because we continually make excuses. But why do we make excuses which trap us? Personal change is actually quite simple. It only requires five high level steps:
1. Identify the thing you want to change about yourself
2. Decide to change it
3. Garner help and information from other people who have successfully made the same change
4. Build and execute a plan of action using this information and the help of others
5. If you fail, go back to step #3, tweak your plan, and repeat until you produce the desired results.
Most people quit in the middle of #3 and I have discovered one reason why. Since I began my personal development blog 18 months ago, other writers have been telling me to read “The Games people Play” by Eric Berne. I finally read it this week and it revealed an eye opening psychological game we play regarding excuses.
Eric Berne didn’t buy into this “victimology” that people are “powerless” over their lives. He believed that we can change ourselves because we are the most powerful force in our lives. Eric Berne created a form of psychoanalysis he named Transactional Analysis. I won’t explain the details here, except to say that we all play psychological games with other people to get our emotional needs met. Not all, but most of these games create negative experiences in our lives. These games were programmed into our subconscious during childhood, so as adults we are unaware we are playing games. Unfortunately these negative games tend to create a negative “script” for our lives.
One of the first games Dr. Berne discovered is also the most heavily researched. From Wikipedia: Why Don’t You/Yes But…
The first such game theorized was Why don’t you/Yes, but in which one player (White) would pose a problem as if seeking help, and the other player(s) (Black) would offer solutions (the “Why don’t you?” suggestion). This game was noticed as many patients played it in therapy and psychiatry sessions, and inspired Berne to identify other interpersonal “games”. White would point out a flaw in every Black player’s solution (the “Yes, but” response), until they all gave up in frustration.
White: I wish I could lose some weight.
Black: Why don’t you join a gym?
W: Yes but, I can’t afford the payments for a gym.
B: Why don’t you speed walk around your block after you get home from work?
W: Yes but, I don’t dare walk alone in my neighborhood after dark.
B: Why don’t you take the stairs at work instead of the elevator?
W: Yes but, after my knee surgery, it hurts too much to walk that many flights of stairs.
B: Why don’t you change your diet?
W: Yes but, my stomach is sensitive and I can tolerate only certain foods.
“Why Don’t You, Yes But” can proceed indefinitely, with any number of players in the Black role, until Black’s imagination is exhausted, and he or she can think of no other solutions. At this point, White “wins” by having stumped Black. After a silent pause following Black’s final suggestion, the game is often brought to a formal end by a third role, Green, who makes a comment such as, “It just goes to show how difficult it is to lose weight.”
Doesn’t that sound familiar? I’m sure we’ve all been on both sides of this game at one time or another. We play these games because we get an emotional “payoff.”
The emotional payoff of Why Don’t You, Yes But:
1. Protection of the ego. You’re the “winner”. It makes you feel like you’ve “beaten” the solution provider. It demonstrates that you, the person seeking answers, are not inadequate but instead the solution provider is inadequate. It is a form of competitive excuse making. Remember, this isn’t conscious, it’s subconscious. Most people who play this game have a subconscious fear of surrender and to accept any answer is to surrender. Your desire to be in total control is greater than your desire to learn.
2. Avoiding feelings of guilt. Accepting a solution means there is an answer to your problem, thus you can rid yourself of the problem. So this game is effective at avoiding guilt (and some say personal responsibility which is frequently confused with guilt – you can be responsible without being guilty).
Sometimes we play this game with ourselves. I know I have. I think about a problem and then I shoot down every solution which rises into my consciousness and then I go back to living the way I’ve always lived, until the negative consequences rear their head, and then I play the game again.
Some strategies… I’m not an expert at de-programming the sub-conscious mind, but I can give you some ideas.
• Identify when you are playing the game. If someone is seeking a solution to a personal problem and every solution is shot down, you are probably playing the game.
• Identify if you are playing the role of excuse maker or solution provider
• If you are playing the role of excuse maker, stop yourself and consciously force yourself to accept a solution. Tell the solution provider, “Now that is a great idea. I’ll try that.” See how it makes you feel. If the idea is reasonable, put it into action, and the next time you find yourself making excuses, accept a solution again. With enough practice you’ll break your negative habit and your life will begin to change.
• If you are playing the role of solution provider and you’ve offered several reasonable solutions and they are refused, stop playing. Instead say, “Wow, that is a tough problem, what are you going to do about it.” This response will likely leave the excuse maker at a complete loss of words. It may even wake him up to the game he is playing.
To live the life you want, you must stop playing destructive games. But what makes giving up games so difficult is that we tend to surround ourselves with people who play the same games we do. Sometimes we will find, if we stop playing destructive games our current relationships evaporate because they weren’t based on true intimacy, they were based on game play. This is most obvious with alcoholics and drug addicts, but it can happen to anyone with ingrained destructive patterns, even overeating.
Ultimately, in life, we are trying to fill the time between the nursery and the mortuary with something meaningful. Games give us phony meaning. So if you are on journey of personal growth, learning to live a game-free life is worth the effort, because the rewards pay a thousandfold more than any futile game. On the inverse side of game play is a life filled with awareness, spontaneity, and intimacy. A life which doesn’t repeat the same monotonous script until tragedy strikes. I encourage you to join me on this quest for personal freedom.
*http://www.craigharper.com.au/philosophical-spiritual/why-is-it-so-hard-to-change/
PHOTO:http://voicecats.files.wordpress.com/2007/01/back_bone_shiver_-_no-excuses-480.gif
You are so right Ellen. I sat right there and listened to every word you said at the meeting and still made excuses this week. But the good thing is I know I'm showing up tonight. I might not have done that with another group. I know I had a bad week :( but I'm back to try to do better :)
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