Pray it Off 05/19/2011 Diet Excuses

Diet Excuses*

Everyone has to eat. Some of us love to eat too much. And others try not to eat enough to stay fit and trim. It must be really had for the people that have to diet that love to eat. They have to make up excuses to justify sneaking something they are craving to eat.

1. But the doughnut was calling my name.
2. I felt left out because they were eating.
3. But it was my birthday, so I had to eat the whole cake.
4. The kids overseas are starving, so naturally I have to clean my plate.
5. I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth so I had a ice cream.
6. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
7. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
8. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
9. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
10. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
11. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
12. Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
13. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
14. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
15. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
16. Only eat things that have been broken into pieces; that way, all the calories fall out.


My Appetite is My Shepherd

My appetite is my shepherd, I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly,
Sometimes during the night.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating,
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me
All the days of my life.
And I shall be fat forever.

How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner... as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.
7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE

1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
6. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
7. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
8. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
9. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
10. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
11. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
12. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
13. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
14. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
15. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
16. If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?
17. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.


A Diet Prayer

Lord, My soul is ripped with riot
incited by my wicked diet.
"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man!
and, Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.

I want to rise on Judgment Day, that's plain!
but at my present weight, I'll need a crane.
So grant me strength, that I may not fall
into the clutches of cholesterol.

May my flesh with carrot-curls be sated,
that my soul may be poly unsaturated
And show me the light, that I may bear witness
to the President's Council on Physical Fitness.

And at oleomargarine I'll never mutter,
for the road to Hell is spread with butter.
And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;
and Satan is hiding in every waffle.

Mephistopheles lurks in provolone;
the Devil is in each slice of baloney,
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
and Lucifer is a lollipop.

Give me this day my daily slice
but, cut it thin and toast it twice.
I beg upon my dimpled knees,
deliver me from jujubees.

And when my days of trial are done,
and my war with malted milk is won,
Let me stand with Heavenly throng,
In a shining robe--size 30 long.

I can do it Lord, If You'll show to me,
the virtues of lettuce and celery.
If You'll teach me the evil of mayonnaise,
of pasta a la Milannaise
potatoes a la Lyonnaise
and crisp-fried chicken from the South.
Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.
Author: Victor Buono , who appeared in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane".


Daily Exercise for the Non-Athletic

Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous
activities that do not require physical exercise.

Exercise..............................Calories burned per hour

Beating around the bush.....................................75

Jumping to conclusions......................................100

Climbing the walls............................................150

Swallowing your pride.........................................50

Passing the buck................................................25

Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight)...........................50-300

Dragging your heels..........................................100

Pushing your luck.............................................250

Making mountains out of molehills......................500

Hitting the nail on the head................................50

Wading through paperwork................................300

Bending over backwards.....................................75

Jumping on the bandwagon...............................200

Balancing the books..........................................25

Running around in circles..................................350

Eating crow....................................................225

Tooting your own horn.......................................25

Climbing the ladder of success..........................750

Pulling out the stops.........................................75

Adding fuel to the fire......................................160

Wrapping it up at the day's end..........................12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms ...................................50

Putting your foot in your mouth........................300

Starting the ball rolling.....................................90

Going over the edge.........................................25

Picking up the pieces......................................350

Let's all get out there and burn some calories!


REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

1. Overheard at McDonald's.... " There are no calories in this. Look how small these chicken nuggets are and there are so few of them. I eat them every day."
2. 'Eat off someone else's plate. The calories don't count if its not your food.' Words of wisdom from Rach.
3. I can't start a diet today. It's not Monday and everybody knows diets don't work unless they are started on a Monday, (unfortunately every Monday in my case!) So I'll just have to pig out for the next 6 days and wait for Monday to roll round again.
4. I can't afford to buy the new clothes that I'll need if I lose weight so I'll just have to stay this size!
5. I was just testing your ice cream in case it had gone off, and I didn't want you to be sick! I wasn't certain so I had to keep having another spoonful to make sure.
6. By the time I'm thin fat will be in!!!
7. It wasn't a chocolate éclair, it was a funny looking stick of celery!
8. If you don't finish the donut, then it's calories count.
9. If you eat the broken biscuits, the calories have all leaked out.
10. I'm not Overweight, I'm Undertall!
11. I'm not fat, I just retain water. I f I could take a 12-hour pee, I'd be ripped.
12. Since round is a shape, I can eat more to get in shape.
13. I have just been onto your Web Site and found it really interesting and thought I would send you the best excuse that I have heard as a Weight Watcher Leader, when weighing a member in at the scales. The member had gained weight and when asked - "do you know why this has happened" she quickly replied - "yes, I went to McDonalds and had a large Big Mac Meal, and I forgot I was on Weight Watchers." And believe it or not, the woman was genuine that she had forgot.... Bless her.
14. I'm a weight loss coach, my diet excuse is the one I saw on a poster of a large panda, in my doctor's office. The caption was: "I'm not fat; I'm just fluffy."
15. If you chew your food long enough you will kill the calories.
16. My doctor said I shouldn't over starve myself.
17. I went ahead and ate the rest today, so I can be good tomorrow.

*http://madtbone.tripod.com/diet_excuses.htm

Excuses (edited from the DietBlog)

Struggling to eat better or start exercising? Need an excuse?
Take your pick.

 Too Busy
 Pick a Holiday/Any Holiday
 Wedding/Graduation/Pick a Party Any Party
 Tired
 I'm Sad
 Too Old/Young
 Addicted to Carbs/Sugar
 I'm Bored
 I'm Happy
 Guilt
 I'm Doomed
 I'm Hungry
 I'm Trying
 I Love Food
 I'm Anxious
 I'm Injured
 It's Summer
 It's Winter
 I Just Can't
 It's So Hard
 Food Calms Me
 I Always Fail
 I Am Stressed
 I'm Depressed
 It's Too Hard
 Not Motivated
 Start Tomorrow
 I Eat Out a Lot
 I Am Fighting With (Pick a Person)
 No One Understands Me
 I'm Overwhelmed
 Not a Good Time
 Food Equals Love
 I Can't Exercise
 It's My Birthday
 It’s Somebody’s Birthday
 Slow Metabolism
 Food Is My Friend
 Genetically Cursed
 I've Tried Before
 Lots to Celebrate
 Addicted to Carbs
 Friday is Pizza Night
 It’My/My wife’s Time of the Month
 I'm/My wife is Peri-Menopausal
 I'm/My wife is Post Menopausal
 Simply Not Inspired
 I'll Start On Monday
 No Time for Exercise
 No Time to Food Shop
 The Weather Made Me Eat
 I'm Too Busy to Focus
 Can't Afford a Trainer
 I Just Can't Afford Healthy Food
 My Illness Made Me Eat
 I Am In Pain
 No One Loves Me
 Can't Give Up Chocolate
 I Buy Cookies for My Kids/Grandkids
 It's the Drugs I'm Taking
 Travel Makes It Impossible
 I Always Have a Muffin for Breakfast
 I Always Fall Off the Wagon
 I Can't Afford to Eat Healthy
 My Lifestyle Is Not Conducive
 Can't Afford to Join a Program
 Member of the Clean-Plate Club
 I Don't Want to Insult the Host
 I'm Healthy for a Few Days But ...
 I've Been This Weight My Whole Life
 My Husband/Wife Is Skinny & Eats A Lot & I Have to Eat with Him/Her
 I’m On Vacation
 The Dog Ate My Food Log

PHOTOS: blturlock.blogspot.com